“Tell me who you are.” Backed against the wall her eyes were everywhere, but on me. We knew each other quite well. I was not asking this young woman her name. Looking down, a quiet voice coughed out a response, “I don’t know.” I smiled. She knew this answer. We talked about it at least five times a day. “Please look at me.” Her eyes lifted and looked over my shoulder. Although she stood at least a foot taller than I, she wanted nothing more than to avoid my gaze. She had known me long enough to know that this was not going to fly. “I need you to look me in the eye,” came my request once more. It was easy for her to just stare over my head.
“Please look me in the eye and tell me who you are.” After another five minutes of rolling her eyes she FINALLY, looked me in the eye. This is of course when everything began to change. As we stood there staring, I asked once more. “Who are you?” Without loosing her gaze I followed her head as she attempted once more to look away. Instead a whisper came, “I am a child of God.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that,” I prodded. This time a little bit louder with a little more confidence came the response. “I AM A CHILD OF GOD.” My smile grew wide. “Exactly!” I exclaimed.
For the next ten minutes I would not allow this young woman to look away. When she looked down I got under her chin. All the while I filled her head with truth. I quoted Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 139. I reminded her for the millionth time of 1 John where it talks about how we can be sure that we are children of God. I concluded with one of my favorite verses from Isaiah 49, “Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for a child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you, See, I have written your name on my hand.” My arms were moving wildly as my voice began to squeak. By now she could not look away. I could not help the tear that welled up as I laid out the person God had created the amazing child to be. “The Lord loves you SO much that there is no way that he can forget you. He has written, engraved your name on his hand where he can look at it a million times a day.” Shame turned to embarrassment and finally the gleam began to shine in her eye. As we gazed at each other I concluded with, “No matter what anyone tells you, THIS is the truth.” This was the moment at which I would allow her to look away.
What had started as a teen tantrum had once again turned to a triumphant moment. This was all due to the power of the truth and eye contact.
A friend of mine recently relayed a statistic about words spoken into the lives of children. In the average professional household 80% of the words spoken by parents to children are positive and 20% are negative. Their ears are filled with statements about how smart, fast, beautiful, or clever a child is. In the average middle class family a child will hear about 50/50 of positive and negative statements. However, in the average uneducated, poor family a child will hear negative statements 80% of the time with only 20% being filled with positive reinforcement. Therefore, these children’s ears are filled with statements from their parents like; you are dumb, slow, ugly or simply just not enough or wanted.
The reality is working in the inner city most of the youth that we work with come from just such households. So their hearts become so very heavy at very young ages. Just yesterday I sat on my couch with a vibrant, on fire for the Lord young woman who is petrified that she will never be anything more than her older sister who is in jail. Worse yet, what if she is “stuck” in the projects in a job that she hates forever. Why? Because she has been told this!
I realized as we sat looking ahead and not at each other, I needed to get her to look me in the eye. The lies of the enemy can churn in your mind when you are looking at yourself. Yet, There is something disarming about looking someone in the eye, especially someone who has the truth to offer.
Getting youth to look you in the eye is an incredibly powerful tool that should not be under estimated. In my opinion it is one of the best ways to both 1. Diffuse a difficult situation and 2.) Change the direction of the conversation to a positive, Christ focus.
The reality is that when you are fed lies you begin to believe them. It is the job and responsibility of those of us who minister to these lives to bring the truth. “The wicked lie in wait for the righteous, seeking their very lives.” Psalm 37:32. It is not too bold to proclaim that there are those who whether purposely or unwittingly want the youth of the city to stay right where they are, stuck. They know and as they become weighed down they become crusty at first and then build their walls brick by brick. Finally, before you can even call them “grown ups,” they have shut the world in, when they think that they are shutting it out.
When you have the opportunity to speak with a youth, ask them to face you. Position yourself in such away that they are able to easily make eye contact. If you are having difficulty with a student in a group setting remove them and place them in a situation where you are sitting or standing opposite them. Take a few moments and establish eye contact with them. Ask them bluntly to look you in the eye. Do not feel foolish, taking the time that is needed to make eye contact. It will serve for an easier talking time. Then take the time to ask the youth how they are feeling about what is going on in their hearts. If you have removed them due to discipline, ask them what was going on? Let them know that you can’t help them if they won’t talk to you. Many times the eye contact, coupled with the care that you are taking in the moment is something that they are not used to. Then, look them in the eye and SPEAK TRUTH! Quote Bible verses over them, tell them what God thinks of them, think of something you like about them and speak it out.
This simple time can take less than five minutes and I have witnessed it soften the hardest of hearts. As you look them in the eye, something happens to you also. The Lord softens your heart and reminds you why; He has called you here for such a time as this. I have often found myself reduced to a pile of jelly inside just by making eye contact through a troubled conversation. For as you speak truth, they feel safe. I have watched tears come for the toughest of kids. These are the moments when I have gained insight into the lives of the youth I walk with. Seeing beyond what is standing before me, I have learned the deepest parts of the heart as I begin to look through their eyes. It is true that the eyes are the windows to the soul.
Remember to always approach this without force or pretense. Come with tenderness and love, as you look each other in the eye. Allow the youth to see you also. They can see your care at these moments. They will ask you the hard questions. You will want to answer them. For those moments when we really make a connection are those moments of victory. Isn’t that what each of us is looking for?
This is really going to help us “newbies” in ministry. Thanks for taking the time to do this!